What happens after a breakup?
Imagine a young couple in a relationship. Which started as a fairy tale, when eyes met with eyes. Then the period of extensive joy đ. Countless texts meetings and sharing everything from a Kit cat to compartment. And after a while when they know each other Suttle differences started to appear. They find out that they have a temper. There are differences the way they think about things. Even gets angry occasionally and arguments. Ambitions of each other gets in crossroads. And they decide to break up. Let's assume this is mutual, and they ended their relationship. This is not uncommon. I would say a very common phenomenon. Our discussion is about what happens after. Give it a thought? What happened after you broke up with someone?
Introduction to saved value Or "Why I cannot move on."
I will let you contemplate thoughts on above question for a while and introduce you to the saved value. In fact, if you are someone with programing experience you already know this. Saved value is a concept when the client uploads some data into a program. As an example, if you have a Facebook account or a twitter and you upload some photos, that act as a saved value. The important thing to remember is this saved value makes you come back to the program again and again in a positive feedback loop. This is called hooked method of programing I have described this in my previous article on phone addiction. More you upload videos, more levels you have reached on the video game, it will be a strong reminder for you to come back.
We can Isolate this principle of saved value and apply this to life in general. Remember the Schmidt Tunnel? Digging a useless tunnel, even when roads were built, he couldn't help himself, as he had saved so much time and effort in the first place.
Now with this new wisdom we will look at the above scenario of a couple breaking up. More often we see one easily moves on while other struggles. And we can confidently say the saved value for the one who cannot move on is more in this case. I'm not suggesting the effort they put into making the other one better. True effort is a different thing, but the mental evaluation of it is another. The memories, hold mental values. Just like pictures you upload to a Facebook page. While idling your mind start to visit these mental images and re-evaluate them making it hard to delete. On the other hand, the one who even have no "Facebook page", it would be easier to move on.
More applications on saved values.
A relationship is not the only place where you see this kind of save value playing a significant role. Imagine you are in a job. You work your way through the hierarchy year after year, even feeling better for yourself. Suddenly, out of nowhere the top post is snatched by a newcomer. And you are devastated. You think you deserve this more than anyone. Yet you cannot quit. You cannot quit and make a fresh start. As your values are saved in the company by hours. By your creativity and effort.
Imagine your family house. Maybe your parents still live there. đ¤ You saw them build the house when they were a young couple. They brought you up there, in knowledge and love you all grew. Just like a nest, it was a safehouse for everyone. Now children have moved on. To build a house on their own, if they prefer. The house got old day after day just like your parents. But they refuse to move on. They do not want to repaint the walls. They do not want to facelift the living room. They have so much time and mental effort invested in the house. It is not uncommon that old people just die in their old homes (last mile home - short story). And imagine you or me in their place, I see no difference.
I am sure you may have many examples of saved value. It may be a broken toy that you don't want to throw away. A tradition that your generations of ancestors carried out. A belief that do not let you move on even when you do know the truth.
Negative effects of saved values- out of thick mud.
As you can see, saved value can be disastrous when you want to move on. But importantly we can recognize it is better to have them in places where we want to stay. So how can we overcome this problem of saved value when you want to move on.
If it is just a Facebook page you can just delete it. But we are talking about mental values on mental objects. You may disagree. You may say it's not all mental. I invested my own money my own time which I should have spent with family enjoying. I cannot give up now. Even when I see there is no use, I simply cannot as it's not all mental!
If you are in that kind of mud. I would just agree and let you ventilate your sorrow. And just ask you to take a mindful walk. Step out into your garden and look at a đł tree. What can you see? A tree? How much is its worth? Give me a number. Zero? Hundred? Or is it negative, meaning you want it cut out as it blocks the sun into your room. Now ask the Neighbour, what is the worth of the tree. Ask thousand people the value of the tree. Or even better you can watch an episode of "the price is right". A thousand people will give a thousand answers to a value of a tree. What does this teach you about its value? It's not in the tree but in your mind more precisely consciousness. Different minds produce different values on the same object. The price is never right, it's not definitely in the label given by the factory.
How to readjust your saved values and move on.
Look at the broken relationship now. As it is a mental object, in mindfulness. You realize the values you have given are far too much. Obviously, we can understand when we see how the world just carries on when you are stagnant. Once you realize this that the value you have given to your broken relationship is just mental, you can even start tweaking this. You can look at the fish in the bowl in front of you and just for the sake of it you can give a mental value far higher than your boyfriend or girlfriend to the fish! And you will start to get those lost smiles when you do that.
So, let me suggest if it is your job, that you cannot move on from, compare this to a paper clipper and give it more value than your job. And get out of there to a happy place.
If it's an old car that you cannot sell because you have so many memories with it. Just give a value to a nut in your imagination and laugh about it.
I see no one can give any excuse when they gain wisdom on these facts. And it will come handy even if you are saving tons of values today. As we all know one day we all have to leave it all behind and become zeroes of life.
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